Not in Love with her Husband

 by Chuck Snyder
 co-chaplain for the Seattle Mariners


Dear Chuck|
I am a 43-year-old woman and married 20 years. My husband and I have two children, ages 16 and 14. I love my husband, but don't feel I'm in love with him anymore. In fact, I'm not sure how in love I was with him when we married. There has never been any infidelity on either of our parts and I have no desire for a relationship outside of our marriage. My husband has never been a great communicator and I notice that if I don't start a conversation, we probably won't have one. I have thought strongly about marital counseling but my husband would be very uncomfortable discussing our life together with anyone else, including our minister. I have prayed for God to put love into my heart for my husband, but it's not happening. To outsiders we are referred to as the "perfect family," but it is getting harder for me to live with that facade. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Chuck's Response
Thanks for the note about not having any love for your husband. Maybe no one has ever taught you what love really is. It is doing. Here are some thoughts from I Corinthians 13 on what love does.

A wife's love is patient
A wife's love is kind
A wife's love is never jealous
A wife's love is never boastful
A wife's love is never proud
A wife's love is never selfish
A wife's love is never rude
A wife's love does not demand its own way
A wife's love is not irritable
A wife's love is not touchy
A wife's love never holds grudges
A wife's love doesn't notice when her husband does something "wrong"
A wife's love is never glad about injustice
A wife's love rejoices when truth wins
A wife's love is loyal
A wife's love believes in her husband
A wife's love expects the best from her husband
A wife's love defends her husband

Can you find any feelings in this list? It is all action. But God's little secret is that once we begin doing love, the feelings come along behind. I've even tried "doing" love for some enemies, and they have turned into some of my best friends. It's amazing how that works

I'd love to send you the marriage books my wife and I have written. The first one is called Incompatibility: (Still) Grounds for a Great Marriage. It's the story of how the World's Most Opposite Couple has survived 46 years of marriage. The second one is an instructional manual for women to explain how men are designed called Men: Some Assembly Required. The third one is an instructional manual for men to explain how women are designed called The Way to a Woman's Heart. They would come as our gift. We talk a lot about communication, what a wife needs, etc. Whether your husband will read the books or not is God's problem. At least it's worth a shot. Let me know if you want to talk further.

Chuck Snyder



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Updated 05/24/2005