My Boyfriend's Online Friend

 by Chuck Snyder
 co-chaplain for the Seattle Mariners


Dear Chuck
I am having difficulty handling something. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. During that time he's had an online married Christian woman friend he has continued to talk to. She lives in another state and they've never seen each other. He says she's happily married. I still don't like it. He's often said "A man and a woman cannot be just friends, but this is different." He doesn't like it when I talk about men I've worked with or previous boyfriends. I've told him the friendship bothers me, yet he says "I'm not giving up my friends, for anyone." I'm really insecure about it even though he tells me, "We've never talked about a romantic relationship. Yet he keeps talking to her. 

I suppose the part that concerns me most is that my ex-husband had an affair. My boyfriend's Father also had an affair before he left his wife and married his mistress.

I've tried keeping quiet about their friendship, but it just upsets my stomach. I would appreciate some guidance from a man's perspective and maybe even some scriptural references to pray about it.

Chuck's Response
Thanks for the note about your boyfriend and his female pen pal. This is going to be hard to hear, but please read these words with as much love and compassion as I can put in an email.

A man is usually on his best behavior in a dating situation. When I met my wife Barb at college, I would go all the way across campus to walk her TWO DOORS to her next class. Where she was, I wanted to be. All of my thoughts were about her and our possible future together and getting to know each other and sharing our lives. Another woman would be the farthest thought from my mind.

The very fact that your boyfriend is insensitive to your feelings now are HUGE BIG GIGANTIC RED FLAGS. If this is the best you'll get, I would hate to see what happens if you were to marry him, especially with the role model he has had. If he wont give up his friends for you now, you can almost bet that he would have some women friends in his life after the marriage ceremony. I suggest you RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN from this relationship before you get terribly hurt. These are just some thoughts for your consideration. Let me know if you want to talk further.

Chuck Snyder


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Updated 05/24/2005